Am I Guaranteeing My Failure?

Starting something like this is unnerving and frightening. The entire process of being a published writer is unfathomable, but right now it’s this part, the publishing bit, is what makes me the most uncomfortable. I know I’ll get better at it the more I do it. However, right now it’s new and scary. What am I scared of? Mostly being a failure and embarrassing myself.

Publishing my work and putting it out there for others to read is something not a lot of people do and for a good reason. If I put something on this blog, it’s here forever, because nothing disappears on the internet. This phenomenon means that I’m accountable for what I say. Anyone can see my stories and judge me for whether I’m good or bad. When I write something down in my journal, I am the only one who ever sees it. I can remember back on a story and think of how fun it was to write. Best of all, if I don’t go back and read it, then I’ll never see the glaring flaws it has.

But that doesn’t get me anywhere. My dream is to be a writer who gets read. Maybe by a few people, hopefully by a lot but I’ll never get there if I never put anything out there.

Do I Have It?

It’s a common thought that someone either “has it” or doesn’t. When it is an innate trait like height, eye color, or amount of hair on my head then that thought process rings true. There isn’t a lot you can do to change it… yet! But I believe talent is a trainable trait. This aligns with research and my own experience.

Some Research:

One of my favorite books and one I reread on an annual basis is Mindset by Carol Dweck. In the book, she talks about a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. There are some pretty profound consequences of both, but the big take away from the book is that talents aren’t innate. People who end up being successful are successful because they grew into their success.

My Experience:

Put in the most simple terms, You get better at what you do. I spent most of my high school and college career doing what came easy for me. That got me a degree in Electrical Engineering and a lifestyle that didn’t make me happy. Halfway through 2016 I said “Fuck It!” and started working on something that I believed I had no talent for.

Writing is something that I still feel like I’m not very good at doing. But since 2016 I have enjoyed my life so much more! I’m at a point where I’m excited to get out of my bed and work on my projects. I do work I’m happy with and love, and it challenges me every day.

But to get to where I was even remotely decent at writing, I had to go through a year or so of suck. When I wrote something, it was pretty bad, and editing it didn’t make it much better.

Am I guaranteeing my failure?

Back to my main point, right now I virtually suck at this whole publishing thing. The articles I put in front of you may not be masterpieces. Chances are most of them won’t be, this piece included. But I promise they will be the best I can produce at the time.

Putting something in front of you, in your inbox or on this site terrifies me. The way I get through it is by imagining my alternative. What if I never put anything out there? I see myself writing book after book and reading the rough draft, saying “this sucks I can write something better.” I’m going to end up never publish anything! How does that help me towards my long-term goal? It doesn’t. So when I write in my journal and type on my computer without putting anything out there, I am guaranteeing my failure.

Then the question gets simpler, Which is scarier, guaranteeing I’ll never be read or putting some awful stuff on the internet? After all, there’s already some pretty crummy stuff out there. What’s so dangerous about adding a little more to it?

Photo Credit: Me, special thanks to all the photogenic budhist statues littered around China!