What To Do After You Buy Snake Oil

Larry and Harry sat alone in their pharmacy. It had been days since a customer came in and this wasn’t a new problem.

Harry sat with his cowboy boots resting on the wooden counter. He said, “Ain’t nobody been ’round for days.”

“I know,” Larry the pharmacist said picking at his teeth with a splinter of wood.

“What about Brenda, she came in a few days ago for cough syrup. She should need more by now, right?”

Larry shrugged, “Don’t know if she’s going to be coming back. Her husband has been trying to get her off that stuff.”

“The bastard,” Harry cursed as he spat his dip into a spittoon. “What about…”

Larry cut him off knowing what he was going to say. “Nope, Eli doesn’t need anything for his foot anymore. It healed a month ago.”

Harry started spinning his knife between his fingers, bored. Then the bell hanging over the door rang. Both men came to attention to look see who just walked in.

“How can we help you,” Larry said from behind the counter.

The man who walked didn’t live in their small town and was a stranger to them. The man wore polished black boots, a dark ten-gallon hat, and a smooth leather vest. He was slick as a trout fresh from the river. The man appeared young in complexion, but the grey hair that popped out under his hat proved differently.

“Actually, I was wondering if you boys needed my help,” He said with a smile.

Larry looked at the man confused. Harry, not one to keep his mouth shut when he had a thought, said “And how do you reckon that?”

“Well you’re running an apothecary, and I happen to be selling medicine.” The man produced a small unmarked vial of golden liquid. “This is oil for your skin. It keeps you looking young, and it clears any blemishes or scars you have. That is if you use it regularly.”

Larry picked up the vial, opened the top by popping off the cork, and took a whiff of the liquid. “It does all that?” he asked.

The stranger gestured at his clear complextion, “Look at me, I use it every day.”

“What is it exactly?” Larry asked as he dropped a bit of it on his hand, put the vial down and rubbed it in. Harry snatched the vial from the counter and investigated it. Harry was one for fighting and had plenty of scars to show for it. Most notably the one on his right forearm.

“It’s oil of the rattlesnake. But don’t worry, it’s not venomous. It’s neutralized to the point that the chemicals will only help your skin and won’t hurt you. Are you fine gentlemen interested in buying some?”

Harry looked at his business partner and raised a single eyebrow. Larry shrugged and looked at the traveler, “What’s the catch? Why don’t you sell it yourself?”

The man frowned then began to explain his situation, “You see, I’m not from these parts, and the oil only works if you use it regularly. I can’t stick around here for long enough to sell them all. But I have a cart load of them. I’m willing to sell to sell all of it you. Then you will be able to sell them to your customers regularly, and they’ll actually get results. Something this valuable would be worth a shiny dime, but I’ll be selling them to you for less than a nickel each. That is if you’re willing to take up this once in a lifetime offer. If you don’t take me up I’ll just sell it to the next pharmacy I come by.”

The two men looked at each other. Then they looked at the man across the counter, “One second.” Larry said before his partner could open his mouth and ruin the deal. Then they disappeared into the empty storage room to confer.

---

Larry put down the last crate of snake oil and wiped the sweat off his forehead with his white apron. After Harry convinced Larry to use the last of their cash to buy the oil the two men did some quick negotiation with the salesman and tested the product themselves. After the deal was done, they began the laborious task of unloading the product into their storage room.

“It will pay for itself in no time,” Harry assured his partner who was staring at the room filled with boxes. Harry smiled a big crooked grin at his friend. “This,” he gestured to the room full of boxes, “this is going to make us rich. This place is going to become the only pharmacy anyone in this town comes to.”

“We’re the only pharmacy in town,” Larry pointed out. “But I agree, this stuff is going to be all anyone talks about for the next few months.”

They stayed up all night labeling the ointment, “Larry and Harry’s Miracle Elixir.” Under the name, the label read, “Guaranteed to fix warts, scars, and all blemishes of the skin.”

The next day the two men stood on the pourch of their store and sold their new product on the street. By noon they had sold ten vials, and by the end of the day, they had sold the the last of their first crate.

They walked back inside their store and examined the dozens of crates still filling their stock room. Larry frowned and the unsold merchandise.

“Don’t worry,” Harry said reading his partner’s expression better than he ever read a book. “We’ll sell even more tomorrow. Not to mention in less than a week everyone will be coming back for more. And they’ll be telling their friends too,” Harry beamed.

“If you say so. What do we do if we run out of this supply?”

“Let’s worry about that problem when it arrives. Look at this,” Harry said showing Larry his arm. “You think this scar looks like it’s clearing up?”

Larry examined the scar that Harry was showing him. “I guess so,” Larry said with a shrug.

“Yeah, I think so too. I’m gonna take a bottle home and use it tonight. It’ll be gone by next week at this rate.

---

A week later Harry showed his partner the improvement of the scar. Larry hadn’t noticed much change and returned his attention to the store’s account books. They weren’t promising either. Sales of the product had spiked at the beginning but quickly decreased. The men were only selling one or two bottles a day, and none of them were to repeat customers.

The bell over the door rang for the first time that day. Larry’s focus on the books disappeared. Harry spat out some chew and stood up as the town gossip, Mrs. Belford, waddled into the store. She was short of stature but carried the weight of a woman twice her height. Her body had multiple moles and pimples. There was also a notable wart on her cheek. She was a prime customer for the two men’s ointment. They had sold her a vial on day one.

“How can we help you, ma’am,” Larry asked with a smile.

“You can help me by refunding the money you stole from me by selling me this useless vial.” She slammed a small empty glass container on to the counter.

Harry stepped in, “What exactly are you accusing us of?”

“Being sham medicine man first of all, false advertising too!” she said agressively to the man. “I’ve been using it for two weeks now, and this big ol’ wart has not gone away.” She gestured at the big hairy wart on her cheek. “I use it every day, twice a day, and nothing has happened. It hasn’t even gotten smaller.”

Harry pulled his sleeve over the scar on his arm then said, “Well, that is a pretty big wart. Our elixir only works if you use it for a long time. If you would like you can buy some more for us.”

“Oh and throw good money after bad?” She said with a scoff. “I want my dime back, or I will tell the whole town that you’re scamming people out of their money.”

Knowing that Mrs. Belford was likely to tell the whole town regardless of the men’s reaction to the situation, Larry reached into the cash register and produced a small dime. “Here you go Mrs. Belford,” he said, “I’m sorry the ointment didn’t work for you. I’d be happy to serve you with any other medicine you need in the future.”

She snorted and began to waddle back out of the store.

“Some people just won’t use medicine like they’re prescribed,” Harry asked.

Larry didn’t have a chance to explain it to his thick-skulled friend because for the second time that day, the bell on the door rang, and someone walked in.

Unfortunately it wasn’t a customer but the mailman. “How’s it going today, Gene?” Larry asked politely.

The young man shrugged and handed the men a small letter then quickly left. “Who’s it from?” Harry said looking at the envelope.

As the ring from the door faded in the room Larry answered, “the bank.” He hesitated, then opened it up to read it. Harry was illiterate so he had to give the synopsis to him. “They say they’re going to foreclose on our store because we are behind on our payments.” He said giving his partner a worried look.

“Well then let’s pay them,” Harry said mater of factly.

Larry rolled his eye, “We can’t. We spent all of our cash on the oil.”

Harry frowned, “Well then we just need to sell more. Let’s go back out to the streets and start selling like mad.”

Before Larry could argue that this was what they had been doing to no avail the little bell over the door rang. The two men looked to see what fresh hell had walked in for them this time.

Harry were pleased to see the young schoolteacher Mary Ann Lewis walk through the door. She was remarkably beautiful, new to town and single. Because of this Harry immediately offered her help.

“What brings you all the way to our side of town?” Harry asked. The schoolteacher lived with the Bronsons who were her host family.

She explained her problem to the smiling man, “Well you see, I have been using this elixir of yours on my neck for a while now, and I haven’t seen any improvements.” She gestured at the large wine-colored birthmark that was on her neck. It was the only blemish on her healthy body. “I’ve had it since I was a kid but I’ve always hated it. I was hoping this stuff would get rid of it.  Unfortunately, I’m not having success with your stuff. Has anyone else complained?”

Larry began to explain, but Harry cut him off. “Mary Ann, you’re the first person who has come in with this whole problem. How much have you used? Do you need to buy more?” Then he took a look at her neck, “Larry do you think she should increase the dosage? Why don’t we send you home with two bottles and you can use one in the morning and one in the afternoon.”

“I don’t really think that’s a good idea,” the woman said nervously, “Mr. Bronson and his wife think I should demand a refund but I was just curious if I was the only one with the problem. And if I came home with twice as much, they would surely throw a fit.”

Larry stepped in and took Harry’s focus off the young woman. “You know it doesn’t work for some people because of their blood. Here’s your dime back, we’re so sorry we couldn’t help you. Of course, if you think there’s anything we could help you with, we’d be happy to.”

“Thank you, Mr. Larry,” Marry Ann said politely. “I will keep you in mind.” And with that, she left the store.

As the ring of the bell came to a silence Larry looked at his partner, “We have a problem.”

“What?” Harry asked still staring out the window at the young woman.

“The ointment doesn’t work.” Larry said, “and we have an entire stock room full of it. Not to mention, we don’t have money for the bank this month which means we won’t have a store next week.”

Harry shrugged turning away from the window once Mary Ann was out of site. Addressing his partner he asked, “What do you mean it doesn’t work? It’s been working on me. Those people just don’t have the right blood for it. You said so yourself.”

“Harry you moron, I made that up so Marry Ann wouldn’t feel bad,” as he questioned why he had ever gone into business with someone with the brains of a mule. But what’s done was done. All Larry could do now was try to save his failing store. The store he always dreamed of starting. All he wanted to do was bring healthy remedies to the people of his town.

He grabbed five vials of their bogus oil from the shelves and walked back to the workbench where he made medicine for their now dwindling number of customers.

“What’re you doing?” Harry asked in a long drawl.

“Fixing this,” Larry said without looking up from the mortar and pestle he was working with.

---

Larry worked long hours for the next three days trying to find some way he could use the snake oil for a profit. After running out of lamp oil late one night, he dumped a small vial into his old soot covered lamp. The oil worked but that was the only viable use he had found so far. Lamp oil was cheap compared to what they paid for the ointment, and they would never make any money selling it like that.

On the fourth day, Harry came in and asked his partner, “Hows it coming?”

“Mrn Mrinet,” Larry said with his mouth full.

Harry’s interest was peaked. He looked at his partner across the store and saw the man foaming at the mouth. “Lord almighty, what have you done!?” Harry exclaimed at his ravenous looking partner.

Larry spat the foam into the nearby spittoon and smiled at his friend. There was a little bit of foam left around his mouth, “What do you think?”

“About what?”

“My teeth. Do they look whiter?”

Harry inspected the man’s mouth. Larry had never chewed much tobacco. Harry had to admit that the man’s teeth did look a little cleaner.

“I’ve been working on a new use for the snake oil and I think I’ve got something. I mixed it with some other ingredients and a little mint, and I made a paste. You stick it on your finger and rub it on your teeth to clean them. I think it will be better for your gums and will at least clean the tobacco stains off of your teeth.” He offered a small bowl of paste to his partner. Harry looked at the bowl and then at his smiling partner. “Come on give it a try,” Larry encouraged.

The man stuck his finger in the bowl and doubtfully rubbed the paste over his front teeth. He moved his finger away and looked at the small mirror sitting on Larry’s desk. Sure enough, they were significantly whiter than the teeth around them. “My breath tastes better too,” Harry remarked.

Larry nodded, “It’s something I’ve been working on for awhile. But I’ve never had anything to bind the basic materials together. Then I tried the oil, and it held them together.”

“Do you know how much people would pay for better-looking teeth?” Harry asked after he finished rubbing all the rest of his crooked teeth with his finger.

“I’ll be happy if we can cover rent this month,” Larry admitted.

“Make some more of this,” Harry proclaimed, “We will be doing more than just breaking even. We’ll be the most popular pharmacy in town.”

Larry didn’t point out that they were still the only pharmacy for miles.

---

Three days later most of the vials of oil had been converted into paste. Harry and Larry once again stood on the street in front of their shop. It was a beautifully sunny day, and the town was bustling. The men started hawking their goods, but no one showed any interest in their paste. Eventually, Miss Marry Ann walked by, and Harry was able to stop her to talk. Not because he was particularly charming but because she was uncannily polite.

“Mary Ann come try this new paste for your teeth that Larry invented,” He uncorked the vial and held it under her nose. Her eyes perked up at the mint smell, so she approached the booth.

“How does it work?” She asked out of curiosity.

“You simply put a little bit on your finger and rub it on your teeth,” Larry explained with a genuine smile. “You’ll be able to see the difference in the mirror as soon as your done.”

Mary Ann dipped a thin finger into the bottle and began to rub it on her teeth. She had never chewed tobacco, and was one of the reason she was so pretty. She smiled at the mirror and then frowned. “I’m sorry Mr. Larry, but I don’t see much of a difference.”

Larry looked at her teeth and had to admit that she was right. It had a dramatic effect on Harry because of his poor hygiene, but this woman didn’t need their product. “Well I’m sure it worked, just because you don’t have mud all over you doesn’t mean you don’t need a weekly bath,” Larry said with a smile.

“Can we interest you in a bottle?” Harry jumped in eagerly as an attempt to close the sale.

“I’m sorry, I can’t afford it and if I’m frank Mr. and Mrs. Bronson would have a fit if I bring home another one of your gimmicks,” she said. Only adding, “no offense,” after noticing Larry’s hurt expression.

Harry went to open his mouth to disagree, but Larry cut him off, “It’s fine, I hope you enjoy the fresh breath for a while, and if you ever change your mind we will be here.” Larry lied knowing that if they didn’t sell enough bottles today they’d be foreclosed on.

An hour later, with no bites, Mrs. Belford waddled past their porch. Harry stopped her to pitch the product. Before Harry could finish the pitch, Mrs. Belford cut him off, “I don’t care if your medicine makes me as fast as a jackrabbit I’m not buying another thing from your store ever again.” She then barreled past Harry and continued to the town’s general store.

For the rest of the day, the two men couldn’t interest a single client. Almost no one would stop, and those few who did refused to buy it even after seeing the improvement. Some of them had remarkable results, but they didn’t feel like it was because of the paste. Harry got frustrated and nearly started a fight with a rancher, but Larry was able to talk the two men down.

The sun began to set, and the luckless shop owners started to pack up their paste. “Maybe we’ll have better luck tomorrow,” Harry said.

Larry stayed silent, knowing tomorrow would never come, as they packed up the final pieces of their setup. A suited man in a bowler hat came up to the porch of their shop with some papers in his hand. “How can we help you, Mr. Wilson,” Harry asked. Larry perked up after hearing the banker’s name. He felt his stomach somersault.

“Unfortunately for you, I’m here to make sure that you’ve packed everything up and are ready to move out by tomorrow. We have a new tenant taking over your storefront soon.”

“Excuse me!” Harry exclaimed in shock.

Larry stepped in and addressed the issue before a fight started. “I’m sorry Harry, I didn’t want to tell you but today’s the day they set to foreclose on us. I was hoping we could sell enough paste to turn the budget around, but the paste isn’t selling. We have to pack up and move out tonight.”

The bowler-hatted banker nodded his head in agreement, “Sorry to do it to you boys, but it seems the town isn’t quite ready for a pharmacy. Especially one that’s selling sham potions.” The man picked up the last vial of paste that was sitting out. “But tell me, I’m curious, what did you come up with this week?”

“It’s soap for your teeth,” Harry explained quickly and frustrated.

The man simply laughed, “No one would put soap on their teeth. And even if they did why would they want to?” Henry began to explain, but the banker waved his hand dismissing the man, “I don’t need to hear whatever excuse you’ve made up. Although I’m sure, it’s convincing. I just want your stuff out of the shop and for you to go home. Better yet leave this town and go somewhere people still trust your fake medicine and scams. But in this town, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to sell anything ever again, even if you had water from the fountain of youth.”

Larry’s heart sank. He had worked hard to keep his pharmacy afloat and give the town something he thought they needed. But they no longer trusted him. After a day of being rejected by the town on his fantastic new problem he wasn’t ready to fight to stay in the store. Without saying anything to Harry he put the last bottle of paste in the trash instead of the crate it belonged in.

Photo Credit: Jeremy Weate, Internet Archive Book Images, Visual hunt, erix!, frankieleon, denisbin, Internet Archive Book Images, brizzle born and bred, Internet Archive Book Images, Internet Archive Book Images