A Field Guide for Kremulons – A First Contact Short Story

I found it laying in the sand, a bright red, blue, and orange. If I returned it to my parents who were a few paces back maybe they could reunite the toy with its owner. If I let my brother Stevie see it he’d claim it as his own, then start tearing it apart.

It looked like a submarine, something to play with in the bath. It made sense that it was on the beach. Some kid a few years younger than me likely wanted his bath toys with him then forgot this one in the sand.

Then the bugs crawled out.

I stumbled back. I hate bugs. Stevie has a collection of plastic bugs that he hides around the house and scares me with. I should get over it, that’s what dad always tells me to do, but I can’t. Mom got me a book about birds because they eat bugs. I love birds now, but I still don’t have the courage to face Stevie’s bugs. 

These bugs had six appendages but they only used their back two legs to walk. They looked unlike any insect Stevie had thrown at me. Their skin was a vibrant turquoise like the breast of a bay-headed tanager and they had a bland sand-colored appendage that sat inside a translucent dome. A half dozen of them came out climbing down a ladder-like structure on the hull of the submarine.

“We’ve come to take over your planet, human,” one of the bugs said to me.

This wasn’t the first time a bug talked to me. Stevie gave the bugs voices all the time. They usually said something just as ridiculous and aggressive. However, this time the bugs weren’t in Stevie’s hands; he was down the beach kicking waves and throwing shells into the ocean. So I took a closer look at these tiny creatures.

“We are Kremulons from Kremu and this planet will soon become ours.” Its voice was high pitched and garbled like they were speaking through a kazoo. 

Stevie usually had that opinion about whatever toy I was playing with. I found it was best to let him have it for a bit until he got bored with it. I doubted these Kremulons would get bored of Earth as quickly.

“We could always share it?” I offered. A tactic that often failed to impress my brother but might be enticing to a more intelligent species.

“Your atmosphere is noxious to us and we plan to replace it with the methane we breathe.”

I was familiar with filling the air with methane. My brother did what he called a “dutch oven” and stuck my head under the covers while farting. So I knew methane was not an acceptable substitute for oxygen. 

“Why do you want to live on Earth?” I asked. 

There were countless planetary bodies in this solar system alone. I don’t see why they had to have ours. I never understood why the thing I had was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Why not try filling Venus or Mars with methane?” I suggested.

“Because you’ve already begun the process to prepare for our arrival,” the head Kremulon replied.

“You’re not very big, I’m sure we could find a way to live together. You could live in our walls like a brownie.”

“The Kremulons are a proud and numerous species. We are 50 billion strong and cover every square meter of Kremu. We will do the same here.”

“It is insulting that you would offer us the useless remnants of your dwellings,” another Kremulon said now holding something in his hand. Its bright paint job made it look like a miniature Nerf gun. A small red laser bolt launched out of it and hit my wrist.

“Ow!” It hurt, but wasn’t as painful as a turn burn on my wrist from Stevie. 

“We’ll need to bring the higher-powered artillery in our second wave of ships,” the Kremulon said.

“I’m including it in our reports,” a third Kremulon replied while he wrote something onto a tiny notepad.

“I don’t need any more artillery than my sandal,” I replied.

“Are you threatening us?” the lead Kremulon asked.

“The reports of their telecommunications indicate they are a brutish and aggressive species.” The Kremulon with the notepad said.

“It wasn’t a threat,” I back peddled. “I’m just saying, maybe we should try and work something out.”

“Kremulons did not become the most numerous species on Kremu by negotiating with beasts. We have tamed the towering multi-toothed tigers on the Timerion peninsula. We eradicated the poisonous balton plants that infested our grain fields. And we eliminated the exponentially multiplying Lowery locusts.”

“And we’re the brutish ones?” I scoffed.

“Each of those species and all the others we’ve mastered have shown aggression towards us. It was out of self-preservation.”

“And what have humans done? I haven’t even touched your ship.” I could have thrown it into the ocean. It’s what Stevie would have done.

“Based on our surveys of your species, there is no doubt that, given knowledge of another sapient species in your vicinity, you would stop at nothing to eradicate us. So we must be the first to strike.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“Not for you,” the Kremulon with the Nerf-like gun said.

“It could be a problem for you as well. The resplendent quetzal of Central America can eat a diverse number of foods like fruit, insects, and even frogs. That diversity helps it when certain foods are less plentiful. As a whole the rainforest thrives because of its diversity.” 

“Outer space is a dark forest, not a rainforest,” the Kremulon leader said.

“But does it have to be? A diversity of species could help both of us. You’re using paper notepads while we have computer tablets that you could learn about. We could trade that for your ability to travel through space quickly.”

“You want us to give you our most advanced technology so you can go find our planet and wipe us out?” the armed Kremulon said.

“We’d obviously have to agree not to wipe each other–”

“Whatcha got here, Tweety Bird?” The voice sent a shiver down my spine. Stevie was done tossing seashells into the ocean.

“Nothing.” The word came out too quickly to be believable. 

The submarine shaped spaceship already had his attention. He lifted the multicolored toy up and tapped on it in a few places. It let out a hollow ring. 

“Put that down,” a Kremulon said.

“I don’t think I will, Tweety Bird.”

“You should probably put it down,” I said knowing he wouldn’t take my advice.

“Ow! Are you pinching me?” He looked down to find all the Kremulons shooting their Nerf-like guns at him. He easily blocked the incoming shots with the Kremulon ship.

“Those are some bright crabs,” Stevie said.

“They’re not crabs, they’re aliens.”

“Aliens are supposed to be scary like Predator. I watched that at Tommy’s sleepover and wasn’t even scared. I could crush these guys under my foot.”

“You shouldn’t do that.” If he did, it would wipe out all my attempts to negotiate with them. Unfortunately, Stevie always loved pulling the bottom brick out of my block towers.

“Put our ship down,” the Kremulons demanded. “Or we’ll send word to the main fleet on Kremu of your species’ aggression.”

“Oh so you’re a tattle tale,” Stevie said. “Tweety Bird knows what I do with tattle tales.” 

Stevie kicked a pile of sand over the Kremulon crew and stomped on the pile he made. I heard glass crack.

“Come on Stevie, that wasn’t very nice!” I said.

“I was getting tired of them pinching me. Now let’s see if this thing floats!”

“That could be really important. We should give it to mom and dad.” I reached for the bright ship.

“Nah, I don’t think I’m going to do that!” Stevie said, rushing towards the waves.

I walked towards the umbrella my mom and dad sat under. I hoped they had my rainforest birds wildlife guide so I could read instead of play with Stevie. I also hoped that next time the Kremulons came to visit, they’d meet with some more level-headed specimens of our species.